"Watch your heads, and sit down over there," said Grandma, motioning to a large trunk beneath the musty slants of the attic eaves. And then the storytelling began....

Antiques were folded into dusty boxes around us, their significance left unlabelled but for Grandma's remembering tales. I listened to the stories of my ancestors from the keepers of their treasures in that damp, dark haven where history and the future came together. And during those childhood hours in the attic, I would hear my calling—the.eternal quest for stories told and untold. I answer it still.
Musty smells and mothballs will take me there again, sitting on a box in my memory, enraptured. I hear knockin' on the attic as voices in my head—whispery phrases that need a turn, stories aching to be told, or simply memories wanting another moment of my time. When I hear that knockin', I know there's a voice to be heard and a story to be told. So, be careful on the ladder, watch your head on that beam, and have a seat on that trunk over there. Lean in, for I have some tales to share...

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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Countertop Culprit in Custody

By Kelly Lalonde

29 May 2012 -- Authorities have apprehended C. Lalonde, alleged
perpetrator in the recent countertop urination case. (reference article:
Knockin’ on the Attic blog, 2012 edition 1, 28 May) This ends a 5-day-long
crime spree where puddles of piss have been left in random locations throughout
the household area. Authorities had been on the lookout for a suspect approximately
3 to 3½ feet in height and approximately 32-40 pounds when the final scene was
discovered. Three crime scenes had been tampered with and efforts had been made
to conceal evidence of the wrongdoing.

The arrest was made following a
report to the authorities by an eyewitness. The witness is a known associate of
the suspect and admits to have been in the company of the suspect at the time
of this morning’s crime, but insists she did not take part in the events that

“We were downstairs, playing with
animals! It was wet. Very, very wet. [Suspect] peed! She peed on a floor!” reported the witness who cannot be named,
pending a trial involving the case.

The witness, a female who just
turned 3 years old, immediately went to the authorities for help, but when she
led them back to the scene of the crime, the suspect was no longer there.

After examining the crime scene
and recognizing the MO from previous locations over the last several days,
authorities conducted a split-level girlhunt, leading a high speed race through
3 levels of the house and across several room lines. They finally caught up to
her in the main bathroom at approximately 9:15am.

At that time, the suspect,
almost-4-year-old C. Lalonde, held a stand-off for several minutes. The
authorities blocked her passage from the room while she waved wet underpants
around her kneecaps and threatened to throw the witness’s birthday party
invitation in the trash. She screamed at authorities that she would never clean
up the puddle downstairs and then climbed onto the step stool with the
piss-colored underpants dangling from one finger, and one leg precariously
balanced on the very edge of the slippery surface. While an authority
experienced in negotiations attempted to talk the girl away from the dangerous
stool, the witness, a long-time friend of Lalonde, arrived on the scene. Authorities
believed the friend might be able to assist in procuring a safe descent and
allowed her to speak to Lalonde.

The witness stepped up to the
doorway and yelled up at Lalonde. “You peed all over the floor! You make a BIG

At that point, Lalonde lost control.
She flung the wet panties towards authorities and screamed again before
climbing on top of the bathroom counter and turning on the hot-water faucet.

When she turned her back to reach
for a bottle of soap that she had concealed behind her, the negotiator was able
to move in and grab her. After a brief struggle over hand washing, the
negotiator was able to bring the girl safely to the ground. Lalonde was then
taken into custody and placed on a 4-minute watch for her own safety.

At her bail hearing, Lalonde
claims she did not act alone, citing that [known associate] kept her from using
the proper facilities.

“I was playing with the polar
bear. He was painting the house. And then [known associate] came over to make
her elephant help paint the house. To make it pretty. I had to go pee, but then
the elephant wanted to play family and go to sleep. So my polar bear went to
sleep. Just a little bit. Right? Just a little bit.”

When questioned what happened
next in the chain of events, Lalonde admitted to pissing on the floor of the
playroom, but insists, “It was all [known associate]’s fault. She wouldn’t let
me go potty. Her elephant made my polar bear go to sleep. See? She wouldn’t let
me go. It’s all her fault.”

The known associate, who witnessed
the final crime, has been questioned and cleared of all charges.
She is cooperating with
authorities to provide information about previous events allegedly involving

Crime scene investigators have
been able to link three separate crimes that have taken place in the
surrounding area over the last five days. Though they weren’t certain at first
that an earlier incident was related to the recent piss crimes, they have now
been able to link them all. Each incident involved concealing piss, hiding wet
underpants in the dirty laundry, and providing false alibis.

Lalonde became the lead suspect in the crime
spree once authorities uncovered dripping wet evidence in her bedroom and an
excess of clean clothes strewn about the residence. They are confident they
will be able to convict her of all 3 crimes.

Spokesperson for the team leading
the pissicide investigation, a veteran in the childcare field for 25 years,
says, “It’s been a long time since we’ve seen this kind of a pissing spree. I
knew at that first crime scene that this was going to be a really difficult
case. No eyewitnesses were coming forward, and the evidence was contaminated.
In all my years in the field, I’ve never seen anything so disturbing as that
hidden puddle of piss on the bathroom countertop. I’m really happy that we’ve
been able to hunt down this devious pisser. She’ll serve time for what she’s
done, and also get the help she needs so that she will never commit such
atrocious crimes again.”

Lalonde is charged with perjury, odorizing
private property, rude and unacceptable behavior in a private home, evidence
tampering, and leaving the scene of a crime. Other charges may be placed
pending a thorough investigation. If convicted, she faces a lengthy bedroom
stint with scheduled and supervised trips to the potty, potty-training
rehabilitation, and a possible return to diapers. She would not be eligible for
parole for another 14 years.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow. And I thought wiping one's poopy diaper on the fireplace hearth was bad...Hilarious stuff, sis!!!!